Pregnancy Angst

January 5, 2011

If I am going to be completely honest with myself, which is a total pain, because I’d much prefer to live in my little bubble of make-believe, the truth is this pregnancy has been the easiest and the hardest.

Ha. 

Confused, much? 

This is the 5th pregnancy I’ve carried to 20 weeks. We lost three babies very early in pregnancy and those were bitter moments full of loss, pain and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the children I have carried to term. But this pregnancy has been, as they all were, different.

 

Physically, its been probably the smoothest; minimal morning sickness – more like mild nausea, and only if I had too much sugar, and fatigue. The fatigue wasn’t even that bad, I mean really, I was already tired and this just gave me a great excuse to crawl into bed a little earlier each night.

No crazy food cravings. Definite aversions to the normal mass amounts of sugar I love to consume. That’s not a bad problem to have. 

I also just don’t have time to dwell on being pregnant.

I remember when I was pregnant with Gwen…it took for.ev.er. The looongest 9 months of my life. Ack. Any and all events were mentally organized around my due date: BB and AB (Before Baby and After Baby).

With each child since, I’ve been progressively busier. No time to languish through the months, no time to agonize over each and every moment of pregnancy. Just TCB (taking care of business).

 

Business. Yeesh. 

That is where the challenges have come in. 

My job.

I love the company and the people, but am finding my job especially challenging this year. This is nothing I haven’t spoken with my boss about and I think she gets it. I’m just struggling in a position that is very similar and yet worlds apart from what I’ve done here in the past.

I know I can do it, but the time I have to hit the goals I’ve set for myself is severely shortened because of my impending maternity leave. Cultural Care is super supportive of moms, and has a great materinity leave program; so you can call me George Costanza, but I want to go out on a high note!

So instead of worrying about weight gain, exhaustion, the inevitable new baby induced sleep deprivation, I worry about getting 12 months of work done in 8 months.

I worry about coming back from maternity leave as the one who didn’t excel. Excelling is good. It’s fun. I’m a little competative.

I worry.

And I’m worrying because I love what my company does. I believe in the service we provide (heck, I personally benefit from it) and I want to a contributing member of the team, not a coaster. Or a floater. Whatever. Either is not an option for my semi-OCD personality.

And boy, is all that worrying exhausting. 

Some doctor friend, please prescribe a few massages, facials and pedicures, and write them up on something official so my health insurance will foot the bill ;)  

Seriously though, I think worry and pregnancy are synonymous to a certain extent. What you worry about just shifts depending on what is going on in your life. 

Have I whined enough? 

Yes? 

Your turn. 

Tell me about your pregnancy woes/challenges and how you worked through.

 I found all these gorgeous images here. Because there is only so much of my pregnancy ravaged belly anyone should have to see. You’re welcome.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Elizabeth January 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I love your posts so much…ok, here is some corny mushiness. I wouldn’t call my pregnancy with Becca bad, but it was trying for me. I was nauseous and tired for about 7 months. I already had a 2 year old Sara to keep up with, and a job. I kept thinking my general malaise would go away but it didn’t. It only went away when she was born…but when she was born, I felt reborn. I was so freaking happy and felt so free! I could exercise again, I could wear normal clothes, I felt like I had me back. Sure, I also had an infant to care for and I was tired for other reasons, but I didn’t care. I really credit Becca’s birth with my new outlook and decision to be happy with life. She completed our family and I felt so whole. I wish I had known I’d feel like this after her birth, maybe it would have helped me get through some of those dark and depressed days when I felt the pregnancy would never end. But it did end…

You are amazing, I am in awe with each new child that comes into your family. I can’t wait to meet #5!!!! Sometimes though, I think you do it just for the briskets…hahahha :) Just kidding

2 Courtney January 5, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Hi there, I found your blog through my follower section and so sorry it took so long. I really like it and your honest approach to it. I, too, felt pregnancy angst due to our first pregnancy ending with the loss of our baby and my second resulting in preterm. I am blessed with two beautiful, healthy babes! I will be following along and look forward to seeing your blessing come into this world.

3 Karla T January 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

First pregnancy quotes:
“Um, why didn’t anyone tell me that this was uncomfortable?”
“Why do I have gas all day?”
“Why does labor feel like I have to do a #2?”

Second pregnancy quotes:
“Why does this feel different?”
“I swear I will not get THAT BIG this time around, now pass the ice cream”
“I SAID I WANTED AN ORANGE, NOT ORANGE JUICE! now can you get out of bed and drive to the store to get me one, honey?”

Now that my boys are 2 and 4 I can hardly remember: the weird cravings and being uncomfortable, fat and loud…my husband remembers everything though.

4 Rebecca cronin January 5, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Last week my number 1 pregnancy woe.. Having pregnancy gallstones now that I was blessed with emergency surgery it is bed rest.. I am a Momma with ants In my pants and sitting still is just not my thing..
I hear on the work goal thing my bad pregnancy health has set my sales goals way off but worrying about it will not help me and there is always next year … Health is a non negotiable for me.
I am not so worried about the weight gain the gallstone diet has taken care of that nicely in fact thanks to surgery I lost 5 lbs last week. I am sure it will be the only time in my life I lose 5 lbs between Christmas and new year.. So I will celebrate that for a while
I like you am stressing out about the pending sleepless nights after the 8 year streak with my son sleeping soundly every night.
But every time my little angel kicks and moves like a squiggly worm I remember the beauty of it all and it all seems so trivial :)
But mostly I am fearful that this little girl has a mind of her own and had her own plan for when and how she will enter the world

5 Blessing @ Working Mom Journal January 8, 2011 at 3:28 am

Oh dear, seems like a lot stress going on right now. I found your blog through Krystyn’s blog (she designed mine too). Pregnancy can be really stressful especially if you have a demanding job. As an engineer, the demands of my job, motherhood and wifely duties have prevented me from even thinking about having another baby. I applaud anyone I see doing it.

I think accomplishing 12months worth of job in 8months is a lofty goal but it is achievable. When I was pregnant, I had so many deadline. I had to return to my job just a week after giving birth. It was the toughest but most rewarding point of my career. I think as a working woman, you get instant gratification for accomplishing both at work and at home. Hang in there, this too shall pass. Love your blog, will be checking back often too. You can also visit my blog at http://www.workingmomjournal.com

Have a nice weekend.

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